petty wares and trivial objects

mirth

2012-02-08T12:38:00.001-05:00

"she seems a stranger to herself, or rather there were two selves in her, the one she had always known, and a new abhorrent being to which it found itself chained."

House of Mirth

2012-02-07T10:46:00.001-05:00

"She seed always to have seen him through a blur - first of sleepiness, then of distance and indifference - and now the fog had thickened til he was almost indistinguishable."

2012-01-28T23:19:00.001-05:00

originality is an illusion

pantysock

2012-01-25T22:34:00.003-05:00

Opening line.
"What's your favorite Tom Cruise movie?"
Followed by
"What's your favorite Matt Damon movie?"
Not to be undone by
"What tv show is the best to spoon to?"
He slides over a couple barstools towards me.
"I need your advice."
He hands me his phone to read his text messages.
"Now she's the girl I want to spoon with and talk about Pan Am. When we broke up, i was making 28 thousand a year. I didn't have enough money to pay for my self esteem. I want to be able to pay for her mozzarella sandwich.I hate the bitch. I went to the reunion and call her fat. Not that she is. I don't believe in being fat. If your fat, your lazy. I mean look at me. I'm not fat. Do you know how handsome I am? I wanted to tell her, 'you look comfortable.' But i love her. I mean it was great. She's the girl i want to sleep with 4 years from now. She's the one I want to spoon up with her and watch "Love Actually." We hung out, all night you know. I kissed her than jumped off the train. It was so "When Harry meet Sally. She loves me. She's engaged, but I know she loves me. I mean, I told her I loved her! This is my point. I go out. I can get any girl in here. I'm the best dancer in here."
At this point he demonstrates his dance move, The Pencil Sharpener.
"My point is. I can make the girls come. AHHHHHHH. I'm tired of that. I mean I can pick my my nose with my tongue. I've got a medium sized penis and a great tongue. I'm not a pussy. Have you seen my biceps. I can sleep with anyone in here. Are those glasses real? I hate pretty girls that wear glasses, ugly girls I don't even talk to them. I get chicks because i've got great bone structure. I'm the best dancer in here."
Demonstrates the Skinny Jeans Dance.
"I won my 6th grade Dance contest. I peaked at 12. I work in finance but i want to work in skinny jeans dance. Have you seen my biceps? It really sucks when you family wont pay for your cellphone anymore. I mean, whatever. Get a tattoo on your tricep, they wont talk to you anymore."
The tattoo reads, "On Eagles Wings"
"I can sleep with any girl in here."
Demonstrates the Sprinkler dance.

2012-01-25T01:34:00.000-05:00

“What is this self inside us, this silent observer,
Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us,
And urge us on to futile activity,
And in the end, judge us still more severely,
For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us?”

-T.S. Elliot

2012-01-24T10:15:00.000-05:00

Tell me all the things you’ve done I would like to know
Tell me how you like yourself and what you think id like to know
Tell me about your ghosts
Tell me what I’ve missed
and
I wont tell you
I wish you were someone else

running on empty

2012-01-23T22:20:00.002-05:00

She leans against the bar rubbing the end of a plastic sword against her gums. With the tip of her tongue she feels the remnants of a crudite adhered to a rear molar but resists the urge to pick the aforementioned spot with her sword. Too far back and mouth too open to escape the notice of the lone businessman four seats down ordering a single malt scotch.

She raises her glass. The bartender nods spritzing a chilled glass with absyinthe. She wonders when they started bottling Sazerac, as a Rye, not the cocktail. She undoes the top button of her blouse, revealing the lacy bra that cuts into her underarms, but the cleavage it provides is worth it.

There is nothing special about her features. Broad forehead. Eyesbrows plucked, shaped, but growing out. Just a hint of bags under her eyes. Her smile is faint, almost non-existent. She has been training years for this, the expression of nihility.

Her drink arrives. She takes a sip. She counts 416 seconds between each sip. The idea is to calm the nerves by introducing subtle well-timed amounts of alcohol. Not to have it take effect to quickly.

She watches her fingers trace the lip of the glass. “ 241, 242, 243,244…” and thinks of the illness within her. An illness so deep that it does not reside in muscle or bone. Far fr beyond the prodding of fingers or questions. “356, 357, 358…”

She catches a glimpses herself in the brass edge of the bar. A woman drinking alone in a hotel bar. Desperate or a professional? What marks the difference? Both know more or less how to have a good time. One picks up the check the other always has taxi fare home.

The bar will eventually fill up and she will be surrounded by the buzz of conversation. It is a noise that interrupts, that separates, that isolates. Not one of them will recognize her from the film of which they speak. One or two will acknowledge her, as a fixture, with a glance or a nod of the head. But not one of them has anything she needs.

To rise above the clamor she takes another sip of her cocktail and collapses deep into herself, ”1,2,3,4…”

fear

2012-01-21T17:50:00.001-05:00

i am afraid
afraid of things
dark strange dangerous difficult and deep
so i float on the lukewarm waters of mediocrity
peering into the abyss of an impenetrable forrest
the waves chaff push and pound
trying to awaken this frozen girl
every movement that seems to bring her closer to shore
has a violent recoil
driving her further from the precipice
she clings to a fantasy
sucking pleasure from the crannies of his mind
rather than surrender to the secrets of their bodies
fiction and fantasy can not fail to produce physiological heat and hardness
words sometimes bring climax
there is another story
told with fingers and toes
is it necessary to deny anything?
i see myself
running through
dark strange dangerous difficult and deep
where the clash and tension of the adventure
heighten my sense of life.

Distance

2012-01-20T21:03:00.003-05:00

Light is my constant companion. Often, my only companion. Its' variations inspire a shifting of perspective, and I never loose sigh of the possibilities. I get lost in the vacuous landscape of the dark loosing the dimensionality of here and now. A simple deviation from linear traces of light and shadow and I am lost, infinitesimally small, and the road I travel disappears. To keep myself grounded I create lists.

The distance between front door and home:
3 landings and the steps between seven seven two. (I never count past 7, double back and start again)

The distance from door to bodega: 1 verse 1 chorus
“Tie yourself to me
No one else
No, you're not rid of me
Hmm you're not rid of me

Night and day I breathe
Ah hah ay
Hey, you're not rid of me
Yeah, you're not rid of me
Yeah, you're not rid of me
Yeah, you're not rid of me”

Bodega to subway:
A list of white foods: eggs hard boiled, rice, cream of wheat, cream of rice, milk, cream, salt, rice noodles, vanilla ice cream...

Distance from one hour to two:
Things to do today

Distance from hour 2 to hour 3:
Things I did not do yesterday

Distance from hour one of work to hour six
lips teeth tongue toe kiss nape touch stroke whisper lick look at be looked at smile struggle surrender
a replay of words stroked and to be stroked stitched together with desire

Distance between starting and finishing this:
1 cigarette, 1 smuttynose.

Distance between then and now:
immeasurable

OCD

2012-01-19T22:26:00.002-05:00

Daniel Rossen “Saint Nothing” is coming out of the machine… single speaker…. Soft and unobtrusive. Just to keep me company. Like the pets I don’t own. (Cats make me sneeze, dogs make me sad, too many hours spent solo.) A glass down to it dregs off to my right, just within reach. A bottle three quarters full that makes me smile. The ashtray, ceramic with two compartments, one for my glass whose base is to wide to balance, and a sidecar printed with the words Sip N’ Smoke somewhat obscured by a single butt and a charred match. I light the spliff I learned to roll just the other night. My left leg is crossed over my right. Chin balanced between thumb and forefinger. I’d prefer a different configuration but the desk is awkward and illfitted for comfort. Outside my window, the night collapses beneath concrete clicking heels and the wind whipped laughter of smokers in doorways of overcrowded bars. The heater hisses in the bedroom as footsteps of neighbors fade down the hall. And it is as simple as that. Painting the moment I last thought of you.

submerge

2012-01-18T13:23:00.002-05:00

Water is two parts hydrogen one part oxygen. Cold on the surface scalding just below. Birthday cake bubbles, a bottle recalled then emptied into the cascading stream of a tub half full. I hate baths but enjoy being submerged, blending in to my background, inconspicuous. Watching the world from below. Frank flying, a glass of wine balanced precariously on the lip of the tub… I am here. This is now. I exist. Hold. Count. Never higher than seven. Seven seven two. Choke. Swallow. Hold.

Jumping the fence of the local pool, not my neighborhood, my fathers. Early morning. Maroon speedo, one piece. With the rising sun I avoid the stares and jeers of children I will never get to know through the long summer months to follow. Floating in the depths far from the surface watching the leaves skirt amongst the clouds.

Three four. A gasp swallowed. Five six. Exploding. Seven. Surface. Breath.

Legs up the wall, tiled and cleaner than I. Bubbles parting collapsing cresting. I stare at a black dot on the wall crowned by the shadowy remnants of a crucifix long since vanquished. Listening to the drip drip drip imaging the conversations in rooms next door.

“All the superheros listen to their mommies. ”
“No! ”
“Superman listens to his mommy.”
“No! ”
“Spiderman listens to his mommy. ”
“No! ”
“The Power Rangers listen to their mommies. ”
“No! ”
“Batman listens to his mommy. ”
“No! ”
“And do you know why all the superheroes listen to their mommies? ”
“Why? ”
“Because they're good boys.”
“No!”

My imagination sucks. Sip of wine. Submerge.

My heart reverberates with footfalls of a neighbor. One should never sleep with ones neighbor, not the case here, but it has been. Another street another corridor. Listening to the click clack clatter knowing that he is home but far out of reach once it has become clear that you are yet another’s 2 am call.

I wonder where frank is? Maybe he’s escaped through the crack I left him behind the succulents. I lick my spoons too clean and rinse my glasses when finished. What reason has he to stay?

H2O

2012-01-17T22:27:00.001-05:00

bubble bath. I wish it was deeper. And claw footed. Not adhered to the wall with monocrome tile. Lying on my arms i submerge listening to the ping, splish, trickle of voices slittering through the pipes. I imaging them as a whisper against my bathroom door, "May I come in?"

But its only a fly who keeps me company though this bottle of wine. I've named him Frank., for no reason really, other than he will die here, in my home, so I thought he should have a name. Frank.

Interstate 510. Exit 1B. New Orleans. I have no tub. No shower. Just a bottle of water, a toothbrush and the sideview mirror. Objects are closer than they appear. "You have to leave tomorrow miss." I offer him a rocket dog, he’s on duty, parking attendant, but it is New Orleans, so he tosses the cap and takes a swig. "Tomorrow," he repeats as he walks down the ramp. In the morning the curtains will part in the windows of the hotel across the way... i'll lie here in the bed of my truck and watch them towel their hair, plant kisses on the nape of a neck, and stare blankly into the horizon. I am invisible to them. Have been for years.

I first discovered this power in preschool. But more on that later.

I Keep Searching Every Day

2011-01-18T16:55:00.001-05:00

Hold It Against Me - Britney Spears 2011 New Era

2011-01-06T23:39:00.000-05:00

I dont know why.

Forbidden Images (higher resolution)

2011-01-05T01:20:00.000-05:00

Danse Serpentine - Loie Fuller

2011-01-05T01:17:00.000-05:00

Magic Carpet

2011-01-05T01:15:00.000-05:00

Map Of Tasmania

2010-12-31T03:36:00.001-05:00

Am I Blue? What'll I do?

2010-12-26T15:37:00.000-05:00

I'm not the girl who misses much ( pipilotti rist )

2010-12-14T09:38:00.000-05:00

Am I Blue?

2010-12-12T20:20:00.001-05:00

Dancing at the cafe - Bande a Part (AKA Band of Outsiders)

2010-12-10T08:50:00.000-05:00

Orange

2010-11-28T16:11:00.000-05:00

I am somewhere somewhere beneath these

2010-10-15T17:21:00.001-04:00

I believed that we ached to do the right thing. Manifest Destiny, worshipping national heroes, with on top their all powerful whopper, Rising health care, Interest rates, housing costs. Did he know this great nation would be Christian from its beginning? Of course he did. Ten years you spent here, and ten more years will follow – Powerful army and a wine drinking and fattening population a Powerful army and Coca Cola drinking fattening population China revalues Yuan, Chinese economy booms, I believed that we ached to do the right thing. Alexander the Great, Malcolm X, Bush, Puff Daddy, Manifest Destiny, I believed that most of us were outraged, that we wanted to get past the nightly barrage of random violence. Chase, Goldman Sachs, Hard borders between free men and slaves, Trust in individuality, Chinese economy booms, as they secure energy reserves We have lost our true identity, our heritage, our roots, Manifest Destiny, How long has it been since they shot Liberty Valiance? Morgan Stanley, JP Mogan, poverty smoothened by amphitheaters and gladiators, workers kept satisfied with ovals, stadiums, drivers and athletes. I believed that we ached to do the right thing. Colonial wars, Chile, Vietnam, Scandals, Scandals, Corruption, Corruption, Did he know this great nation would be Christian from its beginning? Of course he did!— find what we could really do to change what was happening, Continue to fight terrorism Government and consumer debt increases. It's time our people awakened from their sleep and learn not only their true history, but also their destiny that is unfolding, even now, according to God's Divine plan. British Petrolum, Chevron, Citgo, and… Last night I dreamed I was a hillbilly in heaven.

Maybe I should just go back to bed like I know how.

Douche

2010-09-25T10:46:00.003-04:00

I bet we have a lot in commmon.
What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Do you sleep with the window open or closed?
Do you like pillow talk or memory foam?
Do you pee in the shower?
Do you buy toilet paper in the multi-pack or one pack at a time?
Do you squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom or the top?
Do you believe in God?
Do you believe in yourself?
Do you like to read? I love to read!
Do you like the movies? I love the movies!
Do you love yourself? I....
Do you think you could love me?

photograph of a significant outfit.

2010-08-11T14:15:00.002-04:00

This is the outfit I wore to my Grandmothers 100th birthday. I baked the family cake, usually made covered in m&m's for birthdays. I left it on the dashboard of my brother's car while we attempted to wake ourselves up with lattes in the early morning Florida soup. I shielded calls from my father, "WHERE ARE YOU!" while my brother cursed another driver as he sped out of the starbucks parkinglot. A scream, a giggle and a flying cake and I found myself draped in shards of chocolate and icing. Luckily, the cake being so moist, was pieced back together by my brothers while I freaked out in the middle of the street, "I am not walking into that room with all those women with that cake!" My grandmother loved it. Drizzled with her special thickened milk. She turned to my brother, chocolate coated tongue. "You look your age."

playground

2010-08-09T18:56:00.002-04:00

A friend explains his courtship of a married woman.
"I am engaging her."
"What do you mean, engage?"
"Let's say that there is a flower. A beautiful flower. I walk by and engage it. I smell it. I engage it. Do I engage it on my own? The flower is beautiful. It wants to be looked at. It wants me to smell it. It wants to be engaged. It engages me. We engage each other."

telephone

2010-07-26T17:53:00.002-04:00

“Oh you’re there. I just want you to know that your whole relationship with me everything about you is an offense to me and offended me and pissed me off. Did you get my last message about me being a bad father, and Tim being a great dad now? You didn’t hear that one? Well, you should go and f*ck him, you know, you fickle cunt because I don’t care. You offend me on every f*cking level. You offend me on every f*cking level. I despise you. I don’t want you back. You have proven yourself to me. You’re not a f*cking woman I want. You can’t hang. You’re not a f*cking woman. You’re a f*cking fake. You’re a f*cking sham. You don’t know what the f*ck it means to make a man happy. You didn’t make me f*cking happy. I couldn’t make you happy with the BEST I DID FOR ANYBODY, EVER! EVER. You f*cking glum cunt! You didn’t f*cking crack a smile with the tree ceremony out there. Nothing. What the f*ck do I have to do? And remember whose f*cking roof your under. You ingrate bitch. And that’s it! Okay. The game’s over. Let the new games begin so you can get it on with anybody else and your son can watch it. What is it? Number 45 he’s going to have to look at? F*cking good. I’m so f*cking sorry I had a child with you. Now I am. Now that I see you. I hope you f*cking don’t sleep. I hope you f*cking waste. You f*cking ruined me. You f*cking ingrate. I ‘m so mad. I’m so angry. And this is not the nicotine this is the truth. You don’t fucking love me one bit. You know it. You using bitch.”

kissy-kiss

2010-07-23T00:12:00.002-04:00

How to kiss with passion:
Are you a good kisser? Anyone can be with the right technique. You will need a partner you feel passionate about and a comfortable space such as a couch.
Step 1. Brush your teeth floss and use mouthwash bad breath is the ruination of good kissing. At the very least have a mint.
Step 2. Sit with your partner preferable in private. Public displays of affection may be fun for you but they make most everyone else uncomfortable.
Step 3. Relax and clear your mind. Focus only on the person with you.
Step 4. Angle your face to avoid crunching noses
Step 5. Lean into the person until your lips touch. Keep lip contact soft and gentle in the beginning.
Step 6. Experimental with different movements and techniques, for instance, gently
suck on your partners lower lip or caress lips lightly with tongue.
Step 7. Open your mouth enough to slip your tongue out. Slowly slip your tongue into your partners mouth, start exploring the inside of each others mouth Keep slow and soft Not darting or invasive. Breath through your nose
Step 8. Come up come air by kissing partners face, ears, and neck even giving them the occasional soft nip or gently tugging on their hair in the heat of the moment.
Step 9. Use your hands. Strokes and caresses.
Step 10. Practice makes perfect.

Beauty

2010-07-21T09:18:00.002-04:00

I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because uh... Some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the US should help the US or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future (for our children.)

Red

2010-07-20T19:04:00.001-04:00

fake tits

2010-07-20T17:42:00.003-04:00

"You need a fucking kick up the ass for being a bitch, c*nt, gold digging, whore with a pussy son. And I want my child and no one will believe you. So f*ck you. And I’m not giving you my house and you can rot unless you crawl back, s*ck my cock and say you’re sorry, in that order! Do you understand me? You f*cking offend my f*cking maleness, my masculinity, my being, my soul! And you call me a sinner. You are a f*cking moving violation. If you get raped its your fault for showing off your fake tits. Like they’re some special deal? How much did they cost, those fakers? You complain about mastitis? They’re fake baby. Come on, you got little bladders in there. You think I’m an idiot? You need to say a lot to assuage my insanity because you’ve made me this way! You’re all a bunch of f*cking using c*nts. You’re like every other f*cker. Say thank you every 5 goddamn minutes and not call me mean and not look at me sideways just suck my cock. You fucking c*nt, That’s all your f*cking good for. That’s about all your f*cking good at.
You there?

"

whitehall station

2010-07-20T00:16:00.005-04:00

"ew. Grape."

(pause)

She has a line of sweat beneath her bra line. A ring on every finger. She licks her lips, her teeth. Touching them with the tip of her manicured nails.

"Alot more people since they got rid of the W. Even at this time of night."

A sparkle in her eye. Licking her lips. A good hair product keeping her curls in ringlets.

"My lips taste like grape. My boyfriend was drinking grape juice. We were kissing. He lives in Staten Island. I live in queens. We had ice cream. Diner. Kissing in the park. He told me, 'I love you.' He asks to kiss me. Asks to hold me. Asks to touch me. Makes sure I'm ready. I just got out of a relationship. 9 years. He was abusive. Mentally. Physically. He's a gentleman. He kisses my hand. We were at a bookstore. And this guy says you make a really cute couple. He bought me the last Twilight. He knows I love them. Everything that has to do with Vampires. All the books. All the tv shows. We were in the park and he starts nibbling on my neck. Like this. And it drives me crazy. I'm like 'we're going to do it right now if you don't stop.' I have a rule. It's silly, I know. Three months. I need to be sure of my feelings you know.

We cant go to his house. Too small. A studio. Can't go to my house. My ex lives in the basement. We're married actually. I live upstairs with my parents. We can't kick him out. He has no where to go. My parents feel bad for him. I feel bad. I don't hate him. I haven't loved him for 9 months. We haven't had sex in a year.

You wanna see a picture? People say we look alike. What do you think? That's my dog. I got her. I had my head on his shoulder. He craddled my face. He touches my face. He lifts it like this and says, 'I love you.' I said, "ditto" He says, 'that's from Ghost.' I say, 'I know that's how I say i love you. Ditto.' I am happy. Here's me and my ex. Who do you think's cuter?

Hysteria/hysterical

2010-07-16T12:56:00.002-04:00

I have plenty of energy to drive over there and I will. Do you understand me? So just fucking listen to me. Listen to my ranting. Listen to what you do to me. You’re a pain in the ass. You make my life so fucking difficult. To be a woman that fucking supports me instead of a woman who sucks off me. And just fucking sucks me dry. And wants and wants and wants. This relationship if you’re a good woman and you love me. I don’t believe you anymore. I’m sick of your bullshit. Has any relationship ever worked with you? No. Shut the fuck up. I know i'm behaving like this because I know absolutely that you do not love me and you treat me with no consideration. I love you because i've treated you with every kindness ever consideration you rejected. I will be happy. Fuck you. Get the fuck away from me. But my daughter isn’t born yet. Alright. Now you have one more chance. And I mean it. Now fucking go if you want, but I will give you one more chance. You make me want to smoke, you fucked my day up, you only care about yourself when i've been so fucking good to you. Shut the fuck you. You should just fucking smile and blow me. Cause I deserve it. Who the fuck cares! We agreed nothing. You agreed. You just fucking expect shit. Go to the fucking Jacuzzi by yourself. Go fuck the fucking Jacuzzi. It’s a shame. You have no fucking soul. My soul is screaming because you don’t have one to join mine. You have no fucking soul. You can’t give a fuck. I left my wife because we had no spiritual common ground. You and I have none. Zero. You wont even fucking try. You don’t care you don’t care. Fuck you. You hurt me so fucking bad. You insult me with every fucking look. Every Breath. With every fucking heartbeat, every fucking selfish heart beat that you have. What! What! You apologize for nothing? Well then you’re a dishonest cunt. Because you need to apologize for a reason. Peace. You have it out for me and instinctually I feel that. I will not be patronized by you and your dishonesty. You apologize because you know your wrong. If you will not fucking accept that then get the fuck out. I will make your goddamn life miserable. Alright? What? What? I need a woman. Not a fucking little girl with a fucking dysfunctional cunt. I need a fucking woman. I don’t need medication. You need a bat to the side of the head. Alright? How about that? You need a fucking doctor. You need a fucking brain transplant. You need a fucking, you need a fucking soul. I need medication? I need someone who fucking treats me like a man. Like a human being. With kindness. Who understands what gratitude is because I fucking bend over backwards with my balls in a knot to do it all for her and she treats me like shit. Like a fucking sour look that’s says I'm mean. What the fuck is that? This is mean. Get it? You get it now? What mean is? Get it? You don’t fucking care about me. I’m having a hard time and you yank the rug. You bitch. You fucking selfish bitch. Don’t you dare hand up on me. You hang up I'm coming over there. You fucking cunt. I’m coming to my house. You’re in my house, honey. Ill call the police and tell them someone’s in my house. My house. How bout that? I don’t involve the police in anything cause I stand up for myself, you you weak cunt . Why don’t you fuck off to the cunt bitch Alyssa's, she was fucking making eyes at me. ‘She would have sucked me in 5 seconds. Take that one up with her. I was trying to spare your goddamn feelings. She would have blown me in 5 seconds. She’s not your friend. You don’t have any fucking friends except me and you treat me like shit. So that’s why I'm so fucking angry. I don’t have any friends. I try to make one from you and you treat me like shit. And you fucking used me. The fucking career is over. And you lit out of here faster than you ever have before. And you’ll be at Alyssa’s place. You just showed me what you are. Absolutely. Inequitably. Fucking prefect. I believe it now. You’ll find some other fucker to pay for you. Cunt bitch gold-digger cunt whore that’s what you are. You have just proved it. You got out of here in record time. The last three years have been a fucking gravy train for you Oh your all angry now, what? What? Are you threatening me now? I’ll put you in the fucking rose garden you cunt. You understand that cause I'm capable of it. Get a restraining order.

I am here beneath myself

2010-07-07T15:32:00.001-04:00

I can sit? I'm sorry I couldn’t hear you. I just want to take a minute. As far as I knew I was being in compliant with um my program… programs… um you know when I would ask to leave town they would give me permission to leave town so that’s all that I knew was coming to me. I wasn’t expecting expecting any special treatment aside from the understanding that I have to provide for myself, I have to work and my schedule, you know, unfortunately is very different and they they were willing to work with me on that and that was the only kind of special treatment that you know if anything they would give me to try and balance their schedules with mine which I really appreciated…um having said that I did, I did do everything I was told to do and did the best I could to… um you know, balance jobs and showing up (sigh) I'm sorry… um in terms of going more than once in a week um some people I know, I know that I was ordered to go once a week um and it wasn’t you know I wasn’t missing the classes just.. I would never do anything like that I was working mostly and um morocco the trip I was working with the children it wasn’t a vacation it wasn’t some sort of a joke um and I respect you I was taking it seriously um and I appreciate the right on programs has done so much to help me finish early because I wanted to make sure that I would com back here making you happy and um the court system show that I meant everything that I put into it and going more than once in a week I would try to do that only because I knew I would have to work the next week I figured and as far as I knew they were okay with this and it was still in compliance that if I did three times a week or two in a week it would make up for the fact that if I had to work the next week then that’s why I wouldn’t be there because I've already done them now so as far as I knew that was in compliance if I had not known had I been you know taken aside and told that in detail then that would have been a different story I'm not taking this as a joke its my life and its my career and its something that I have worked for my entire life and you know I've learned form my experiences I take responsibility for my actions and I've tried to do the best that I can in the past few weeks since I was here last which is the only time I've been in… you know… present in front of a judge in any of my situations in terms of this specific case this is the only time you know honestly it did wake me up yes of course it scared me and it also confused me because I was there thinking it was okay that I missed those classes and I I didn’t had I known differently again like I said I would have taken it you know I would have made sure that I was in town each week and I would have balanced my work around that because id rather you know be working in the long run rather than dealing with this kind of thing the rest of my life um I guess that’s all I really had to say I… its just been such a long haul and I don’t want I don’t want you to think that I don’t respect you and your terms because I really did think that I was doing what I was supposed to do and I mean that with all my heart.

the inside of my pocket

2010-06-15T02:06:00.002-04:00

The picture is missing on this one.
It was supposed to be a shop window.
A stunning dress.
A reflection of a tree.
A car or two whizzing by.
A contrast of the solid and the insubstantial.
But-
The picture is missing-
I don't know-
One of those technological errors
Inexplicable.

time

2010-06-13T22:03:00.003-04:00

Last time, lost time, time lapse, times up, time to go, out of time, now is the time, time to commit, ahead of time, past time, fleeting time, waste of time, unbridled time, unrecorded time, uncaptured time, time machines, menstral time, playtime, relief time, time zone, universal time, eastern standard time, mountain time, time travel, daylight savings time, timeout, tick tock tick tock, time passing,… passing …passing

I remain
Motionless
A shadow
grounded with no substance.
outlines blurred filled with nothing but a shifting shade of grey.
nothing to say
nothing
nothing
I

dnǝ ǝɥʇ

2010-06-12T12:15:00.007-04:00

Art is long and life is short, and success is very far off. - Joseph Conrad

Damn.
Bitch.
Say what's on your mind.
Can't get warm.
Just like to know where it all ends. See?
Regrets?
Don't get me started.
Dead ends?
Road seemed right at the time.
Look but don't leap.
Yeah. Something like that.
This is a more lucid moment.
Not splitting the seams.
Don't wanna jump out of your skin.
Splitting headache the past three days.
Acupuncture is good for that.
Need a relief valve.
That's what I'm sayin'.
Things have a way of building up.
Moxa- Cups. Girl I know uses fire.
In the cup?
Creates a seal. Moves the blood.
Flips the switch?
Sets you right.
Hmm.

Natalie

2010-06-11T14:27:00.002-04:00

“Why did you do that why did you do that? You fucked me up. You fucked me up!”
She tries to back up but he lurches his body forward trapping her against the front doors.
“You gave my card to that bitch? That whore? Why did you do that?”
“I’m sorry sir, I’m already in a lot of trouble if you would like too….”
“Sorry? You’re sorry? “ A globule of spit launches from his seething lips and adheres to her eye lashes. His swollen paunched face billows through her vision as he lumbers back and forth pierced by her magnified eyelash.
“I want to know what you’re going to do about it?”

Through the window she watches another one of her customers, seated for 4 hours at the long picnic table clutching steins of "banana beer," as the burst into random acts of chanting, "USA! USA! USA!" One of the boys is no leaning over his mug, his mouth slacked over the rim refilling the glass with slow jerks of his abdomen while the rest of his cronies giggle and cheer.

fleeting

2010-06-10T16:50:00.002-04:00

Bathroom stalls hold a litany of sweetarts and savageries and I wonder how many of them still hold true.

bird

2010-06-10T04:01:00.002-04:00

“Of course, I had to. I love doing that .I took 80 bucks with me. I had too. Because I’m like “What is this like Melrose?” I was like I didn’t realize I was working at Melrose place.” It all good and that your fucking everybody, I’m not going to judge you on that, cause granted, women power. It’s fucking awesome, sweet. But I’m not part of that. I’m too sensitive. I got too much gentileness. I can throw a soft sweater on and feel the lambswool and enjoy it you know. So she comes in last night or too nights ago and she’s like. “You’re not going to talk too me anymore?” and I’m like, “oh…no… I’m just busy.” And I’m like “fuck you come on if there’s that much drama at the get go, fuck you. I don’t need it. I don’t need it.”

can't go home yet

2010-06-08T23:28:00.004-04:00

its all fun and games until you're left alone at the bar to laugh to/at yourself.

Small talk tidbits , trying to find a way in.

Michalob55. “How's the game?" "Lakers and Celtics. Great teams but not very exciting." Why can he not keep his eyes off it.

Bluepointtoasted and magnumofmagnus "you need to weld into the metal joist…”

bacardigoldandcoke, "taste like crap but they're handing them out free."

Dickleneat, can't hear a word beyond the scent of something rotting behind his teeth.

cosmogrrl and pintofwaterwithstraw, "i knew it was going to be cheesy, but I loved it." "yeah, i mean at first, her conversation with Big, it took me a while. I mean, like 5 minutes, and then I was totally into it."

milkstout, "cute top." Maybe he figured I can hear him over the din of the bar, and thats why he poked my boob.

marlboroughreds," so..." his pocket starts to ring and vibrate simultaneously, "sorry... of jezzus... nevermind... so what was i saying?" The pocket lights up again, "oh... hold on a second... What?!!!!"

Yawn. Sip. Sigh.Seek.Retreat. Sip. Look. Scan. Disregard. Scan. Smile. Watch. Sigh. Yawn.

another forgetful day in hipsterville

2010-06-08T00:01:00.003-04:00

apparently I am very forgettable.

"Oh..." (First off we never slept together.) "Yeah..." (but we've been introduced time and time again) "Hey" (hung out for hours actually.) what's up" (there is no question. Just a statement. They are not really expecting an answer.) There is only the slow turn of our bodies in the opposite direction.(sigh)

"i am not the oldest person here. I am not the oldest person here." a mantra I repeat over and over as i scan the crowd of scantly clad tattooed Sailor Jerry dolls and the skinny tight jean droopy draw dweebs that love them sipping on mason jars of planters punch and gnaw on slabs of bacon butchered in the cellars beneath our chuck tailored feet.

Alas, the lies I tell myself rattle in the bottom of my empty glass since there is no one here to spread them over.... I head to the front door. No one says a word. To me. I slip past the door baby and her latest admirer (who really just wants to get past her, through the front door without the magic wooded coin that grants one passage to a bevy of rum infused cocktails and pork laden buns dripping with sauce.) I turn for one last glance, not one bespecked soul notices.

dream 1/27

2010-01-28T10:45:00.001-05:00

We are running, uphill. There are many of them, few of us. Us being the faceless and nameless that I carry with me. We are being stalked, a masked man with a black cape.
We are all looking for her, Rhianna, and her baby. A brief case falls open to a mass of blackmail letters and two airline tickets. One ticket for the masked man the other for Rhianna.
We are in a tunnel standing beneath the twitching noses of the red shirted cannibals
The leader gives a signal. With a twitch of the nose they leave us.
An ambulance crashes, at the bottom of the hill.
We hop on my bicycle riding through the open ambulance doors. A naked family sits inside. The mother is dead. A 10 year old boy sits in his grandfathers lap. He looks at me
And with a shuddering breath he dies briefly reviving his grandfather who yells
“I am an Isreali national!” A man in a wheelchair stands and with a pointed finger and an accusatory whisper that shatters the window, “JEW!”
We point to the paramedic running around the corner, red tee-shirted with small yellow plastic fireman hats. The grandfather runs after them, naked.

Slow Curtain. The End.

2009-11-19T19:50:00.002-05:00

twit twat twitter

2009-11-03T18:02:00.006-05:00

She dreams in bits and pixels of suncoast masters posturing to the shadows and cantankerous lollies who lean too close to their waxlip sugar daddy salivating in syllables "twit twat twitter." She turns her skin to a leaf well worn and she shim sham shimmy's between a glass of wine and a thought half bated.

Reality Show

2009-10-28T05:49:00.001-04:00

sleep. overrated. overheard.

2009-10-20T00:16:00.003-04:00

“Go. Go. You don’t give a shit what happens to me. I’ll die tonight and you don’t care. Go. Go. I’m going to kill myself for you. I’m going to kill myself for you. I’m going to kill myself for you! You’ll live your whole life knowing that I killed myself for you. You’re such a nimrod.” – Claire, 4am, under my window, NYC.

reaction

2009-10-15T18:18:00.001-04:00

8am. Walk of shame. Last nights clothes, an evening of sludge on your teeth, make up smeared, and you forgot your sunglasses. You make your way through the subway car and to your surprise and delight find the one available seat in the corner. The squeeze into the seat and find your ass drowning in a puddle of air conditioner drippings – the train is traveling express from 59th to 125th.

reaction

2009-10-15T18:16:00.003-04:00

Rush hour. Crowded, pressed up against each other so tightly no one has to hold the railing. You are absent mindedly blowing bubbles with two pieces of trident peppermint (no small feat) when the bus jerks and woman in front of you steps on your sandled foot. She turns unexpectedly and suddenly, to apologize, unfortunately taking with her your bubble and wad of gum lodged in the back of her blowout.

reaction

2009-10-15T18:12:00.001-04:00

You are emerging from the miniscule bathroom in a local dive bar where you just succeeded in peeing on the back of your jeans (you didn’t squat far enough/you didn’t pull your pants low enough) and walked into the middle of a crowded pool tournament where your name has just been called and you are handed the pool cue.

face in the crowd

2009-10-08T10:48:00.004-04:00

Urban setting. Takes place on the street. No one else is around. You look, they look back. A momentary encounter where you see somebody, and something gets passed back and forth. But its never named - that flicker of recognition in which nothing gets said. You are left guessing. You begin to make up things about their life. For a moment you forget your own. (blink. sigh. breathe. blink.) We, I, they, you, me - are estranged from each other, yet inhabit the same space. The same time. We traverse them all the time, these moments. On the subway, walking down the street, waiting in line at the market. (blink. sigh. breathe. blink.)

Born

2009-10-07T14:29:00.003-04:00

Richard Nixon becomes President of the United States . 250,000 march on Washington in protest at the Vietnam War. The first man is landed on the moon. Police raid Stonewall ending The Stonewall Riot. Senator Edward Kennedy driving a car plunges into a pond and a body of a woman passenger is found in the car.Charles Manson cult members murder five people. Hurricane Camille hits the Mississippi coast killing 248 people. Wal-Mart incorporates. Average Income per year $8,550.00. The trial begins of "Chicago Seven" accused of inciting riot at 1968 Democratic National Convention. Charles de Gaulle resigns as French President. The Allman Brothers are booked to play the Atlanta International Pop Festival on 4th July by a phony promoter and are not allowed to play. Woodstock, “An Aquarian Exposition: 3 Days of Peace & Music", is held at Max Yasgur's 600-acre dairy farm in the town of Bethel, New York. The U.S. Air Force closed Project Blue Book concluding there is no evidence of UFO's. John Madden, a photographer, receives the first human eye transplant. The Boeing 747 jumbo jet makes its debut. The epitome of the American muscle car, the Pontiac Firebird Trans Am is introduced. Average Cost New Car $3,270.00. A free concert Rolling Stones is held at Altamont Speedway in Livermore, California - Hells Angels are hired as bouncers resulting in a number of deaths."And now for something completely different," Monty Python's Flying Circus is shown for the first time. The Beatles release Abbey Road. Sesame Street debuts on PBS. Brian Jones drowns in a binge of pills and booze and pool water. The Love Bug, Funny Girl, and Easy Rider are the most popular films. The Rolling Stones release “Honky Tonk Woman ". David Bowie is a Space Oddity. The Archies " Sugar Sugar " is the number 1 song. Penthouse Magazine begins publication. New York Mets win their first World Series. "Midnight Cowboy" wins Best Picture. Honeywell releases the H316, the first home computer, priced at $10,600 in the Neiman Marcus catalog. Crosby, Stills and Nash win the Grammy for Best New Artist. Average Monthly Rent $135.00.

you sometimes get a peek...

2009-09-29T13:07:00.006-04:00

those brief paradisiacal moments...
trapezoidal shadows that creep across the floor with the arch of the passing sun
an inch worm that crawls across your finger when shuffling through greens at the farmers market
leafing through pages at a local bookstore
moments that are routinely taken for granted...
the smell of coffee slipping under the door
steam from a shower that is not your own
towel from a fresh load of laundry

... moments that are constantly slipping away.

no trespassing

2009-09-25T14:02:00.002-04:00

It begins with a story. A story affecting a concern for the truth. What happened has happened. What has happened is happening.

The story begins here. If you look around you, you will notice that indeed, we've been here all along. In this peculiar room. However, if you're having trouble seeing just what I mean by peculiar, perhaps I will describe it to you.

Black. Dark. Void. Unstable, irregular, fantastic, unforeseeable, world ungoverned by any reason or rule. Here there are no walls, no roof, in fact there is no room. But if you were to you open your eyes a little wider than they are right now, you might be able to make out a gate with a simple padlock any child could break, a sign ‘Private no trespassing’ that no one can go through. Beyond a path hidden by bushes crowned with a tall white-framed door with three steps, the second of which is fractured. The room beyond is painted yellow and white and the floor is patched linoleum with flecks of purple and blue. A fancy yet frail looking table is in the center with a polished wood top, bare except for the lopsided pile of library books, a thin rose colored teapot, and freshly cut flowers. If you would tilt you head ever so slightly, and if you were to take a careful look along the edges of our frame you'd notice someone you are not at all familiar with.

daily totals

2009-09-23T12:02:00.001-04:00

$35 an hour, 10 hours, 3500 square feet, 46 tables, 2 games of beer pong, and a room full of drunks. 4 resumes dispersed. 4 hours designing a business card. Free for a total of $17.98. 21 days shipping. 1/2 bottle of wine. No dinner. 18 surreptitious steps from the front door to my bed. 1 pathway laid: 1 bag, 2 shoes, 1 shirt,1 pants, 1 bra, underpants. (Sigh). 213 salty tears into 4 pillows, fluffed, folded, and scrunched until I fall into the memory of a shoulder. Too long since I’ve had one other than my own. Alone. Too many doubts. $42 for window shades. 5 story construction across the street. Fully naked. 3 whistles. Before they got my attention. 2.5. miles around the park. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Sometimes fast, mostly slow. $3 organic greens on the way home. 2 eggs, 7 minutes boiled. 1 batch of granola cooked 10 minutes too brown. One eye blurs. One knee sore. Too many years to mention. Alone. 4 Steinbeck novellas. 4 nights of insomnia. 4 monthly bills. 1 pair of shoes on the wish list, 4 inches, $248. 5 emails. 2 friends fired. 0 phones calls. Too many excuses. 5 websites. 2 movies. An ocean of gossip. 3 hours wasted.

2009-09-22T19:30:00.001-04:00

rhopos, (greek) refers to the trivial objects, odds and ends, and mundane things that compose our daily lives as human beings. It is that unassuming material of life that importance constantly overlooks.