seal island

I’ll give you a very brief synopsis. It capsized there was I was in a boat in South Africa in False bay off the coast of South Africa you know where seal island is where like the sharks hunting ground o great white sharks you know where the national geographic thing where where it breaches and gets the seal you know this yeah that’s where it is…anyways… the boat capsized and I was out there in a storm and like 12 foot waves … it was it was my friends boat and we were going out like to just like see the seals I was going to be back at a casting at like 6:30 – 7 o’clock sundown but the boat capsized long story I was in inside . it was a hard bodied catamaran 27 foot boat so I was kind of in the covered part when it flipped and… this is where the story becomes very long… there is a lot of details a lot of details to the story… but at any rate it flipped and I was inside and the cabin was filling …well there was a moment when when i … where the captain stepped outside of the covered area and I was inside there was 4 people so it was his boat so and and and I actually had my hand on the wheel because it was like 2 seconds he was like hold this don’t move anything and I looked to the.. and I looked and I could see out and I just saw a wave cresting us and we were broadside so that was we were broadside to a wave and you just cant do that so that and so woop we flipped over … so I was like we are going to capsize and ½ second later I’m underwater next thing I know I come out the bottom of the boat is on top of my head and the water is here you know and its rising and its rising its just like like this its like some fucking strange fucked up movie and but the the crazy… I love I love this part… there is like a few parts of the story that are so fucking hilarious like which is like, its like yeah yeah now I can separate myself for it but like the fact that as the water is rising I don’t have any logical thoughts like at the end there where a couple of thoughts that mostly its just like fuck fick fuck fuck like couldn’t think any thing else it was so crazy until the very end where the water was like up here and I thought um I cant die drowning um, I have to swim I thought of my mother and I thought of my boyfriend at that time and like I then I don’t remember like I know I swam towards the direction of what I thought was out and I the next thing I remember I don’t remember that part of getting out from underneath the boat but I came up quite far from the boat you know like 20 feet 30 feet from the boat and I swam back to the boat and I got up on the boat and there were the 3 other people he had already collected the life vests. which we didn’t have them on at he time but he collected them from the… but he didn’t get the flare and so then we were like it was at sunset and then what ever we were caught on we broke loose of we went out into the break which was like you know 12 feet you know or what ever waves and then the boat was like a loose surf board we are on the bottom of it and we got a crawfishing, I guess crawfishing net or a lobster net something like if the boat were upright it would hang underneath the boat and there is like a circle and a net and you put bait in there I guess they come in there and like I don’t know how it works at any rate it was upside down like this is another one of the moments this is another one of the fucking hilarious moments. It was me Georgio, Alexandra and Alexandro there Italian 2 Italians and a german girl and me that is who was in the accident these are the people in the boat Alexandro got hit by the boat when he… uh when it all flipped they were all outside they all got thrown form the boat and the boat kind of landed on him I guess and his shoulder was like out he was like you know it was fucked up. He was bleeding the most of all of us and then um …so were kind of stuck and then we get unstuck like you know and then we start drifting toward these big waves and everyone is sort of silent we’ve all sort of being trying to like sort of talk it will be okay, we’ll figure…some one will see us or whatever anyways so we’re like drifting and then I I start going “Georgio, um we’re going towards those waves there,” and he’s like, “Yeah um hum yeah I know.” And then I’m like “So that’s um that’s going to be bad, yeah that’s that’s…” and he’s like, “Do I look like I have a fucking paddle Laura? “ I was like I was like “Yeah” and then we figured out, me and him, that that crawfishing thing was hanging over the front of the boat and he jumped in the water and he got the thing out and ran it down the middle of the boat so that when we hit the waves we could hold onto it hold on to the rope cause it like there’s the boat the catamaran the two hard bottom, its not like clear and then down the middle so what’s sticking out of the water is the two hulls and now we have these tree nylon ropes and like this thing at the end it doesn’t fucking matter um and you can hold onto it but like the girl for example the first wave that hit us right the boat goes like this vertical and the girl wrapped around the nylon thing around her hand like trying to keep hold on and it fucking just ripped the skin off her hand you know and myself I just got ripped down the thing cause you don’t know you don’t know how strong that wave is going to be you know and how much the water rushing down the middle of those two things is and keep in mind the water is fucking freezing ass cold so any like the coldest lake we’ve ever jumped in you know and we’ve all jumped in that you know have you ever jumped in water where it stops your fucking heart right so its like that over and over and over and over but it was the first time was when I got swept from the boat this is another one of those movie moments its fucking upright like horizontal like this and Georgio is holding the thing, I’ve slid down the thing, he’s got my life vest like this you know cause we’re like yeah yeah with me in it he’s holding it but he cant hold it at some moment he lets go I get swept from the boat I end up getting back to the boat fine you know but then it happens basically there is where I can make the story short this happens for like 6 or 7 hours until until the boat okay now we have to understand the layout of the land form like 6:30 from like sunset til like … I lost my phone… I have a bikini and a beach cover up and my bag and my passport and my phone was underwater …this went on til like the next day we didn’t get rescued until like 8 o’clock the next morning… no no this doesn’t end very soon. Believe me there are many many many times that night that I had this very same thought. “is this going to end anytime soon?” what the fuck … oh I have this massive fight with god in the middle of all this in the background there was the most massive fight with god. That I’ve ever had in my life . Oh yeah, he was speaking to me he was definitely speaking to me it really funny cause it was like the most calm calm way that I’ve ever heard like that kind of kind of like power or what ever I don’t know its like then its all for fuck sake it was all, so but anyways so this is happening … that was god, cause I had this continual sort of voice or whatever telling me that I would be ok. That I was gong to live. That I would just have to keep fighting and keep going and keep holding on like physically but also keep doing it and it was like calmly telling me it was going to beat the shit out of me or that I was just there like you know it’s the ocean what are you going to do? Ask it to stop? You know its so you just like that was my fight with god what it culminated in was um like a peace in powerlessness it being beaten but I mean but there is being beaten by a person and then there is being beaten by nature or something you know and there is a point where you have to stop fighting it like you can fight it, I was fighting the whole fucking time like believe me I wouldn’t be alive is I wasn’t fighting it but you stop fighting it in another way. And your just like okay here we are I guess I have to trust that this is going to end at some point and that I’ll be alive but right now I have fucking cold water and fucked up shit like happening so that’s that and then eventually we kind of crashed cause like seal island is not and island I love that it’s a rock it’s a fucking rock and it’s a sharp rock and it’s a stinky rock no the seals the seals piss on it and so it smells like ammonia and there are these whiskery hair wiry hair things all over it there whole body is covered with hair though, right? Its not like hair its very whisker like hair all over their body it just like very coarse and like whiskers its not fur it’s not it it but that’s all over the rocks anyway um the boat hit the rocks which are like its like a u-shaped kind of thing and then there are rocks around it the only way to get to it really is to crash the boat comes and then it gets like stuck and then like the waves pound it and a big enough one comes carries us closer and then it happens again and then at some point this is another movie moment at some point we ‘re fighting about whether to leave the boat which is now breaking apart because its been smashed against the rocks so many times you know, and all of us want to be out of the water but the option is to go onto this island with a colony of seals which the bull seals are like very big and not having it and so and and Georgio has been mauled by walruses and something’s he’s lived in South Africa for a while he’s the one who lived there lived there and so he is like he’s not going at first and then the other girl is like “I’m fucking going” and we’re like the other funny things is she’s screaming in german he’s screaming in italian and I’m screaming in english but then we finally end up Georgio funny enough was the one went and like waved the life jackets around got the seals to go so we could like I think at that time they realized that we were broken and not trying to hurt them or whatever and they just sort of stayed up there and let us lay down on the sharp pokey ammonia piss smelling whisker covered fucking rocks it’s just beautiful that they let us share there home but then so were there until a small fishing boat came and saw us in the morning they brought the coast guard they couldn’t get to us cause you cant get there with a boat you gotta crash there I guess and then they brought a helicopter. The Helicopter pilot picked us up in the end. he was he was I feel like I’m picking up ghosts there was like two of us that he picked up he has to pick us up in succession but he was like “I feel like I’m picking up ghosts. I probably should say this but you don’t pick up live people from here. You just pick up dead people from here.” It’s really had to get back into society when like… cause the other thing is you know everyone knows the moment where the bus almost hit me or the thing a more prolonged thing… this was like this times a hundred per hour … it’s a lot for your body to handle.

Rules of Engagement

Do not wear a belt - it is very difficult to lift pants off the floor let alone put them on without making noise.

Do not leave panties, leggings, or jeans on the floor when there is a dog present. (This will not be the dingos first panty snack, nor his last.)

Do not attempt to ride a skateboard in order to get there faster, does not make for a quiet ride of shame.

Bring a condom, men never provide. (recommend stocking your own "dirty whore kit" in a small bag that can be stuffed in purse - condoms, wet nap, lysterine strips, baby wipes, fresh pair of panties.)

Expect texts between 1am and 3am. This is primetime, so if already engaged, make sure to turn phone off.

If any feelings towards the other individual begin to develop, DELETE!

Dear Mrs. Chadsey
I am writing to share some great news about God's kingdom. I have learned I have learned from my study of the bible that Jehovah God set up a kingdom in heaven ruled by his son Jesus Christ will soon destroy all wicked people off the earth. The ones remaining will be the people obeying jehovah's commands now (ps. 37:10:11). They will have the privilege of seeing th earth returned to a paradise like the original garden of eden where all of our needs will be met, no more sickness or death. (Rev 21:4). I you would like to learn what the bible really teach, please contact me at the address above or call me at 7180 599-7956 on Friday mining 10:00 am until noon. All services are free, I hope to hear from you soon,

Thanks for considering this information.

Sincerely, Eartha I.

will this last?

My mother’s house, with fake wood paneling. An old thin futon mattress on the floor. The scratching of rodents behind the unfinished constellations on the ceiling. Baked mouse turds and piss still warm in the oven long after the diner was served. The old possum scratching under the house. The white noise of the fan to drown out the paranoia and the poltergeist of memory.

Paul Thek's teaching notes: assignments

Redesign a rainbow.
Make a French-curve rainbow.
Design a labyrinth dedicated to Freud, using his photo and his writings.
Design a Torah.
Design a monstrance.
Illustrate the Godhead.
Add a station of the cross.
Design an abstract monument to Uncle Tom.
Make a paperdoll of yourself.
Make a spaceship out of a cereal box.
Make a paper chain out of a book.
Redesign the human genitals so that they may be more equitable.
Design a feminist crucifixion scene.
Design something to sell on the street corner.
Design something to sell to the government.
Design something to put on an altar.
Design something to put over a child’s bed.
Design something to put over your bed when you make love.
Make a monkey out of clay.
Design a flying saucer as if it were The Ark.
Make a large folded-paper airplane, paint on it a slogan which you think will revolutionize your life.
Make an icon out of popcorn.
Pain a balloon gold, paint a balloon silver.
Make a necklace out of coal.
Paint a series of playing balls like planets, be accurate.
Design a black mass out of any materials you can find.
Design a work of art that fits in a matchbox, a shoebox.
Design a new clock face.
Make a skyscraper out of inappropriate materials.
Make a prisoner’s pillbox hat.
Make scatological object, or use scatological words.
Illustrate your strangeness, act out your most frightening perversity.
Design a box within a box to illustrate selfishness.
Design a throne.
Make a piece of curative art.
Make a piece of psychological art.
Make a design of your favorite literary person. Event. History. Project for Ellis Island.
Make a structure out of photos of primitive people.
Make a structure illustrating anything from the book of proverbs.
Can you construct a functioning lamp that illustrates the concept of freedom?
Can you construct a functioning ashtray that illustrates the passage of time?

Paul Thek's teaching notes: questions

Name
Age
Birthdate
Place of birth
Position in family
Nationality
Religion
Education
Hobbies
Career plans
Parents’ education
Parents’ birthplace
Parents’ religion
Where do you live now? With whom? For how long?
What income do you have? From what source?
What property do you own?
What are your requirements in a friend? Lover? Mate?
What do you read? How often?
Do you buy books? Records?
What is your favorite color?
What are your politics?
Have you ever been seriously ill? Serious accidents?
What do you do on a date?
What is the purpose of dating?
Do you believe in premarital sex?
What happens after death?
Tell us about other members of your family.
Tell us about a close friend.
Tell us about someone who inspires you.
Tell us about the most exciting thing you ever saw, did.
How many rooms are there in your home?
How many floors? What floor do you live on?
Do you have your own room? Do you share it? With whom?
What does your room look like?
On what do you sleep? In what? In what position?
Do you take baths or showers? Do you use perfumes or deodorants?
What style or look do you prefer?
Are you interested in sports? Which? How often?
Do you believe in abortion? Do your parents?
What is your worst physical feature? Your best?
What is the main source of difficulty between you and your parents? Teachers? Friends?
What annoys you the most in others?
What kind of teacher do you prefer?
If you were a teacher what would you propose?
How would you grade your students?
What is eternity? What is love? What is art?
What is a symbol? What is religion? What is psychology?
Who are your role models?
Who is the person closest to you at the moment?
Who is the person physically closest to you at the moment?
What in your life is your greatest source of pleasure?
How do you know you love someone?
How do you know that someone is interested in you?
How do you know that you are happy, sad, nervous, bored?
What does this school need? This room? You? This city? This country?
What is abstraction?
What is a mystery religion?
What would it be like if you behaved with absolute power?
What is a good temple? A bad temple?
Who is your favorite character in the Bible?
Who is your favorite character in Gone With the Wind?
Why does an icon have to be human?
What is sacred? Profane?
What is the most beautiful thing in the world?
What is theology? What is secular?
Explain the Zen doctrine in your own words. What does it mean?
What does it mean “In the beginning was the Word”?
What is the difference between philosophy and theology?
What is liberation theology?
What is mysticism?
What does ‘spiritual’ mean to you?
What is the most difficult thing in life for you?
Can art be helpful in dealing with this difficulty? In what way?
What is ‘service’?
What is the purpose of society? Of government?
What is the surest way to happiness?
What is attractive in a woman? A man?
What are the qualities of physique most attractive?
What are the personality problems of being an artist?
What is it like to be an American in the 20th century?
Who is Roosevelt?
What languages do you speak? Spoken at home?
What religious articles do you have in your home?
Why are you here?
What do you think has been the greatest hurt, mental and physical, that you have suffered?
What do you think are the qualities of a life fully lived?
What is greed?
What is verbal knowledge?
What does tactile mean? Can you show me an example of tactile sensitivity in your personal life?
What do you do to make yourself more attractive sexually? Why do you do this?
Do you really like very beautiful people? Do they really have special privileges?
What is polygamy? Explain its function in the society?
What do you think of money? Make a structure to me explaining your concept of money, or out of money.
Should art be useful? Useless?
What is capitalism? Communism? Socialism?
What is leisure?
What is waste?
How can we humanize the city?

ready, set, go

here i am again on the bed staring at the wall should get up and get a book. nah too much distance. eh another night eh who cares. I love to just sit and stare, stare and sit, makes me feel productive yeah. light strong light here. maybe i need a drink eh. what did he mean when he said well when he said that ugh shit.

quiet
stillness
peace
finally
space
mine
meditate
center
listen
solitude
alone
one
turns--
lonely
numb
to numb oneself
void
empty
deficit
why

one thing one if I could remember. Something. White. Frustration. Running. The train. I was missing it. Running through layered hallways and doors that lead me in the wrong direction. There was something else. On the tip of my mind. Why didn’t I write it down. Does it matter really. Had something to do with him. Running in front, leaping two steps at time. Lips, teeth, chest, tongue. That was here, and here, and there.

not so delicious

Was Milky white
not very creamy
it was on the lighter side
and
it was actually on the sweeter side.

FIshtale

"So yeah I was driving down the road, I guess I was like 15 years old, cause in Hawaii you can drive at 15, and um it was like a bypass where they were doing construction the road but it was really curvy and I didn’t know what to do if I fishtailed…it was raining really hard and there was cane fields its what’s all around that area and I guess um I thought it was a cat but it was a ferret apparently that ran out in front of the car and I… and I did what your not supposed to do. I should have run the fucker over but I slammed on the brakes instead. I didn’t slam on the breaks I put the brakes on but I had bad tires. It was an old car, it was like a 76 Plymouth flore… totally steal a car. That’s what saved me. And um so then the backend slid out to the left so shwooo slides out to the left and what you should do I guess when it fishtales is what my brothers taught me later is to pull the wheel to the left as well which when your ass is sliding out to the left all you really want to do is go back to the right so you kinda pull the wheel to the right or that’s what I did which turned me into a spin and then I went 360 into one of those cement barriers on side and crushed the front of the car and the tire popped of course my glasses flew off of my face I remember that . Anyway um after that my brothers taught me what to do when you fishtale which is to go the same way that your ass is going well you know when it you know like with the steering wheel like if the back of the car is going to the left you have to pull the wheel to as if you are the left so that it kind of evens out you know and you slid sideways as opposed to you sliding the backend out to the left and you pulling the car to the right cause that where you want to go back to but that kind of continues the motion circular motion and that’s what makes you spin out. You know you can do it on purpose. Like my brothers can do it on purpose. You know, they do it. They do it, but it’s not safe."

Bingowings

Tuck the tail bone
loosen the neck
And up
Here we go
Up and down up and down up and down up and down
Right here
Big curl
And again one more and turn that weight
bringing it up on the sides
Up up up up
Curl don’t swing
Curl and again
Oh now one of each
curl and down curl and down
And curl up curl up
Here is the front
And take that weight overhead
Press it up and down
Elbows close to the body
Close to the ears
Tuck that chin
Pressing up and down
Really extend
And again
Good job
Press release press release press release
Good job

mirth

"she seems a stranger to herself, or rather there were two selves in her, the one she had always known, and a new abhorrent being to which it found itself chained."

House of Mirth

"She seed always to have seen him through a blur - first of sleepiness, then of distance and indifference - and now the fog had thickened til he was almost indistinguishable."

originality is an illusion

pantysock

Opening line.
"What's your favorite Tom Cruise movie?"
Followed by
"What's your favorite Matt Damon movie?"
Not to be undone by
"What tv show is the best to spoon to?"
He slides over a couple barstools towards me.
"I need your advice."
He hands me his phone to read his text messages.
"Now she's the girl I want to spoon with and talk about Pan Am. When we broke up, i was making 28 thousand a year. I didn't have enough money to pay for my self esteem. I want to be able to pay for her mozzarella sandwich.I hate the bitch. I went to the reunion and call her fat. Not that she is. I don't believe in being fat. If your fat, your lazy. I mean look at me. I'm not fat. Do you know how handsome I am? I wanted to tell her, 'you look comfortable.' But i love her. I mean it was great. She's the girl i want to sleep with 4 years from now. She's the one I want to spoon up with her and watch "Love Actually." We hung out, all night you know. I kissed her than jumped off the train. It was so "When Harry meet Sally. She loves me. She's engaged, but I know she loves me. I mean, I told her I loved her! This is my point. I go out. I can get any girl in here. I'm the best dancer in here."
At this point he demonstrates his dance move, The Pencil Sharpener.
"My point is. I can make the girls come. AHHHHHHH. I'm tired of that. I mean I can pick my my nose with my tongue. I've got a medium sized penis and a great tongue. I'm not a pussy. Have you seen my biceps. I can sleep with anyone in here. Are those glasses real? I hate pretty girls that wear glasses, ugly girls I don't even talk to them. I get chicks because i've got great bone structure. I'm the best dancer in here."
Demonstrates the Skinny Jeans Dance.
"I won my 6th grade Dance contest. I peaked at 12. I work in finance but i want to work in skinny jeans dance. Have you seen my biceps? It really sucks when you family wont pay for your cellphone anymore. I mean, whatever. Get a tattoo on your tricep, they wont talk to you anymore."
The tattoo reads, "On Eagles Wings"
"I can sleep with any girl in here."
Demonstrates the Sprinkler dance.

“What is this self inside us, this silent observer,
Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us,
And urge us on to futile activity,
And in the end, judge us still more severely,
For the errors into which his own reproaches drove us?”

-T.S. Elliot

Tell me all the things you’ve done I would like to know
Tell me how you like yourself and what you think id like to know
Tell me about your ghosts
Tell me what I’ve missed
and
I wont tell you
I wish you were someone else

running on empty

She leans against the bar rubbing the end of a plastic sword against her gums. With the tip of her tongue she feels the remnants of a crudite adhered to a rear molar but resists the urge to pick the aforementioned spot with her sword. Too far back and mouth too open to escape the notice of the lone businessman four seats down ordering a single malt scotch.

She raises her glass. The bartender nods spritzing a chilled glass with absyinthe. She wonders when they started bottling Sazerac, as a Rye, not the cocktail. She undoes the top button of her blouse, revealing the lacy bra that cuts into her underarms, but the cleavage it provides is worth it.

There is nothing special about her features. Broad forehead. Eyesbrows plucked, shaped, but growing out. Just a hint of bags under her eyes. Her smile is faint, almost non-existent. She has been training years for this, the expression of nihility.

Her drink arrives. She takes a sip. She counts 416 seconds between each sip. The idea is to calm the nerves by introducing subtle well-timed amounts of alcohol. Not to have it take effect to quickly.

She watches her fingers trace the lip of the glass. “ 241, 242, 243,244…” and thinks of the illness within her. An illness so deep that it does not reside in muscle or bone. Far fr beyond the prodding of fingers or questions. “356, 357, 358…”

She catches a glimpses herself in the brass edge of the bar. A woman drinking alone in a hotel bar. Desperate or a professional? What marks the difference? Both know more or less how to have a good time. One picks up the check the other always has taxi fare home.

The bar will eventually fill up and she will be surrounded by the buzz of conversation. It is a noise that interrupts, that separates, that isolates. Not one of them will recognize her from the film of which they speak. One or two will acknowledge her, as a fixture, with a glance or a nod of the head. But not one of them has anything she needs.

To rise above the clamor she takes another sip of her cocktail and collapses deep into herself, ”1,2,3,4…”

fear

i am afraid
afraid of things
dark strange dangerous difficult and deep
so i float on the lukewarm waters of mediocrity
peering into the abyss of an impenetrable forrest
the waves chaff push and pound
trying to awaken this frozen girl
every movement that seems to bring her closer to shore
has a violent recoil
driving her further from the precipice
she clings to a fantasy
sucking pleasure from the crannies of his mind
rather than surrender to the secrets of their bodies
fiction and fantasy can not fail to produce physiological heat and hardness
words sometimes bring climax
there is another story
told with fingers and toes
is it necessary to deny anything?
i see myself
running through
dark strange dangerous difficult and deep
where the clash and tension of the adventure
heighten my sense of life.

Distance

Light is my constant companion. Often, my only companion. Its' variations inspire a shifting of perspective, and I never loose sigh of the possibilities. I get lost in the vacuous landscape of the dark loosing the dimensionality of here and now. A simple deviation from linear traces of light and shadow and I am lost, infinitesimally small, and the road I travel disappears. To keep myself grounded I create lists.

The distance between front door and home:
3 landings and the steps between seven seven two. (I never count past 7, double back and start again)

The distance from door to bodega: 1 verse 1 chorus
“Tie yourself to me
No one else
No, you're not rid of me
Hmm you're not rid of me

Night and day I breathe
Ah hah ay
Hey, you're not rid of me
Yeah, you're not rid of me
Yeah, you're not rid of me
Yeah, you're not rid of me”

Bodega to subway:
A list of white foods: eggs hard boiled, rice, cream of wheat, cream of rice, milk, cream, salt, rice noodles, vanilla ice cream...

Distance from one hour to two:
Things to do today

Distance from hour 2 to hour 3:
Things I did not do yesterday

Distance from hour one of work to hour six
lips teeth tongue toe kiss nape touch stroke whisper lick look at be looked at smile struggle surrender
a replay of words stroked and to be stroked stitched together with desire

Distance between starting and finishing this:
1 cigarette, 1 smuttynose.

Distance between then and now:
immeasurable

OCD

Daniel Rossen “Saint Nothing” is coming out of the machine… single speaker…. Soft and unobtrusive. Just to keep me company. Like the pets I don’t own. (Cats make me sneeze, dogs make me sad, too many hours spent solo.) A glass down to it dregs off to my right, just within reach. A bottle three quarters full that makes me smile. The ashtray, ceramic with two compartments, one for my glass whose base is to wide to balance, and a sidecar printed with the words Sip N’ Smoke somewhat obscured by a single butt and a charred match. I light the spliff I learned to roll just the other night. My left leg is crossed over my right. Chin balanced between thumb and forefinger. I’d prefer a different configuration but the desk is awkward and illfitted for comfort. Outside my window, the night collapses beneath concrete clicking heels and the wind whipped laughter of smokers in doorways of overcrowded bars. The heater hisses in the bedroom as footsteps of neighbors fade down the hall. And it is as simple as that. Painting the moment I last thought of you.

submerge

Water is two parts hydrogen one part oxygen. Cold on the surface scalding just below. Birthday cake bubbles, a bottle recalled then emptied into the cascading stream of a tub half full. I hate baths but enjoy being submerged, blending in to my background, inconspicuous. Watching the world from below. Frank flying, a glass of wine balanced precariously on the lip of the tub… I am here. This is now. I exist. Hold. Count. Never higher than seven. Seven seven two. Choke. Swallow. Hold.

Jumping the fence of the local pool, not my neighborhood, my fathers. Early morning. Maroon speedo, one piece. With the rising sun I avoid the stares and jeers of children I will never get to know through the long summer months to follow. Floating in the depths far from the surface watching the leaves skirt amongst the clouds.

Three four. A gasp swallowed. Five six. Exploding. Seven. Surface. Breath.

Legs up the wall, tiled and cleaner than I. Bubbles parting collapsing cresting. I stare at a black dot on the wall crowned by the shadowy remnants of a crucifix long since vanquished. Listening to the drip drip drip imaging the conversations in rooms next door.

“All the superheros listen to their mommies.
”
“No!
”
“Superman listens to his mommy.”
“No!
”
“Spiderman listens to his mommy.
”
“No!
”
“The Power Rangers listen to their mommies.
”
“No!
”
“Batman listens to his mommy.
”
“No!
”
“And do you know why all the superheroes listen to their mommies?
”
“Why?
”
“Because they're good boys.”
“No!”

My imagination sucks. Sip of wine. Submerge.

My heart reverberates with footfalls of a neighbor. One should never sleep with ones neighbor, not the case here, but it has been. Another street another corridor. Listening to the click clack clatter knowing that he is home but far out of reach once it has become clear that you are yet another’s 2 am call.

I wonder where frank is? Maybe he’s escaped through the crack I left him behind the succulents. I lick my spoons too clean and rinse my glasses when finished. What reason has he to stay?

H2O

bubble bath. I wish it was deeper. And claw footed. Not adhered to the wall with monocrome tile. Lying on my arms i submerge listening to the ping, splish, trickle of voices slittering through the pipes. I imaging them as a whisper against my bathroom door, "May I come in?"

But its only a fly who keeps me company though this bottle of wine. I've named him Frank., for no reason really, other than he will die here, in my home, so I thought he should have a name. Frank.

Interstate 510. Exit 1B. New Orleans. I have no tub. No shower. Just a bottle of water, a toothbrush and the sideview mirror. Objects are closer than they appear. "You have to leave tomorrow miss." I offer him a rocket dog, he’s on duty, parking attendant, but it is New Orleans, so he tosses the cap and takes a swig. "Tomorrow," he repeats as he walks down the ramp. In the morning the curtains will part in the windows of the hotel across the way... i'll lie here in the bed of my truck and watch them towel their hair, plant kisses on the nape of a neck, and stare blankly into the horizon. I am invisible to them. Have been for years.

I first discovered this power in preschool. But more on that later.